MO ady..

Hip Hip Hooray! Booyah! Yay! Or watever blithe shoutout that may expressed, I’d finally sailed through the 2 years of medical trainee years in Taiping Hospital. =)For these 2 years, I don feel a niche of being old at all, as time takes its toll again being so lightning fast!

I am really proud of myself to be able to endure through these 2 years of hardship in GH Taiping. Blessing in disguise I must say; disguise to be posted here being one of the most malignant place for housemen training and blessing for the confidence which i built along the way. Allow me to congratulates all my fellow comrades who we got nailed, blended, pounded and some even got ‘killed’, together throughout these years..WELL DONE GUYS! At times, when i ponder back my memory lane in this hospital, and wondered how on earth i could have made it through..really. No joke.

And so what’s next? MO, of course.

When everyone is trying to get back Taiping Hospital for MOship, I am one helluva’ luckie fella to be able to stay here, instead of being thrown away to smaller district area. Lucky…well, that’s most of the ppl said to me. Of course I felt so much grateful initially, for the lady luck siding me to retain the place i wanna be. I wanted here badly, honestly just for one and only reason. To be in Surgery.

“Life’s like a box of chocolate and you never know wat u gonna get”..indeed mesmerizing. After one whole twist of drama going up there with the Pengarah..i ended up in Paediatric, least of all expectation. Yes, surprisingly Paediatric. A posting in which i dragged myself every morning dreadfully, and cursing inside me for every single thing that stumbled upon me during my days as a HO. And now being MO here.My goodness gracious..It must be karma i guess. Karma for pinching all the babies’ and toddlers’ chubbie cheek. eeeeee…

3 weeks ady, being an MO. A paeds MO, and completed 2 active calls. I am still not enjoying it yet. Not studying anything, but strumming my guitar at home.. it’s feeling something like ‘jiwang’…definitely not progressing. Making myself dumberer during ward rounds, and less participating. Seeking for divine intervention for Motivation..and yet still motivationless, waiting for the days when i am told to leave to Surgery. My flare of aggressiveness has drowned. Feeling of remorse, self pity…?Can someone please tell me what can i do?I know I need to take this opportunity to learn and gain as much as i can now but somehow still, something’s amiss. It’s the fire, yes..the spark of fire to glow again in me for me to go on. Sometimes, i feel if I’m the one to blame for being resorting myself to Surgery only, so fast. sigh.

Paeds department is afterall not a bad posting as i’ve mentioned. Its all from me, dictating and polluting the scenario. Actually, paeds in Taiping is indeed a very good place to hang around for HO and MO. Currently, all the bosses, namely the specialist are all very supportive to me, willing to listen, and helps out in watever way they can. My fellow colleagues are all supportive only thing is that errr….I’m the only guy there. Well, well.. I mus say, guys and gals do work differently, a vast one actually. Patience is virtue anyway ;p

If only I am interested to be paediatrician, i will definitely stick here till old. Its that good u know. haha ;D

For now, I rest my case to HIM, the creator i believe. Meanwhile, trying hard to look for a miss MOTIVATION for me to keep going in this posting. I’ll definitely be back, dear Surgery..hopefully.

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FRUSTRATION

FRUS..FRUS FRUSS!!!! No, no no..I’m not calling out name. I am yelling out these words to u, u, u , and u….not forgetting u, u …and YOU…! ..can I?!!!

Oh my..

I wish i could just blurt out these feelings to the whole world, man. Sometimes, i just hope wat i express can be more idiotproof to ppl around me. Why can’t human being just understand and be more considerate, well at least to me. Yes, everyone is selfish shit! But pls laa…to certain extent.I also selfish wat, but at least not too much rite..?

Welcome to my life as the leader of ‘slavery’. Sigh… I think i’ve reached my level of frustration to the max ady. Cannot tahan ady.

Sometimes, i wonder why am i being a mr.foolguy, to entertain all sorts of request eg, off days, last minute changes for oncalls, unable to do calls, not enuf ppl, bla bla bla. Yeah, i wished i cud blurt them out, My foot!!!Talk to my hand!! ask ur mother to come do calls for u then.. hmmm.

“To play the role as a mr.Niceguy to please everyone in this world is the biggest foolwork ever created as a man” tat’ s my own quotation btw. Indeed, i think i am the biggest fool. I learnt that throughout this posting. My biggest lesson. The world look at the tiniest black spot on a whiteboard, instead of a whiteboard with a tiniest  black spot. Yeah, when come to mistakes, Koay la..Koay la..Koay la. Who else? me me me, the cruel mallicious wicked person in the universe to cause this havoc.

When something’s pleasantly smooth, then oh yeah..”tat’s the way it shud be done, yes yes” Not a single thoughts of appreciation that i can feel. I am not demanding for a respectful awe. Worst stil, i was even asked to extend my HOship for few more days, to cover the posting. WTH!!

Perhaps i think i am too naive?! I think its time to stand up for myself ady..

 

 

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Hey there..

Hey there grandpa..

I hope u are doing well there.Yesterday marked the 1st anniversary of u leaving us. I am sorry that I am unable to make it to pay respect for u, though i really wanted to.

I really hope u are able to apprehend what i am trying to say, but reality doesnt work that way.

Time passed really fast, and all of us are doing just great. Choon Wee finally came back home after more than a year, in Scotland. Finally he graduated, and I am pretty sure if u were there with us, U must be super proud of him seeing the mortarboard landing on his head, though i knew ur vision faded. Our family photoshoot that day had something amiss, and it is u, ah kong.

Ah Wee, had finally settled down back to Penang and he is in Penang GH working. If u’re still around, i am sure he is able to take care of u. It must be something that u must be waiting for, that all of us, if not, some..will be able to go back Penang and settles down there.  But, u left us just so fast..

Recently, i am caught up wit loads of stuff. At times, i just feel like throwing away all the stuff, and run away but i know i need to face it like a man wit guts and responsibility. Which i learnt it from u. My job, has been stressful recently especially being elected as the new leader in this crucial period, and to juggle along with my examination around the corner, I must say is the most stressful period so far in my working life.  Kong, I am done soon for my Housemanship, and soon will be MO. I am expecting worse to come yet, hope u will bless me with strength and courage to face all those miseries.

Ah Keat, and Hong Leng, are doing just fine. Pa is still working in China, and Mee accompanying him, occasionally comes back to visit us here. Funny thing is that they have been pestering ah wee to get married which i think is a bit too desperate.

We miss you very much, and top of it, I miss u. I barely dreamt of u, i dunno why. Occasionally when i went back KL home or Penang, i still have the urge to ask if u had taken dinner..only to realise again u r not around anymore. You are still very vivid in my mind.

I dunno what’s going on, over there wit u. Hope u will take care of urself and ah ma. Dreams from some of us showed that u are now wit ah ma. Please take care, again. God bless =)

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I blog..once again…

My last post was way damn long ago, i know it. Who cares..

Again, i must say Time is really freaking me out man. Can’t imagine that, ppl are selling mooncakes ady, and then Raya is jus falling the coming week! Oh no… And nex few glimpses, come the carols of Xmas songs around, which i am really looking forward this Xmas. I love Xmas, i mus say.

This whole year, well not whole, but 3/4 of the year had kept me busy and focused on my job nothing else.. I realised as things progressed, I aged, and my perception of certain things altered. I always keep my self-intepretation as simple, as far as a humanoid can be so that i will not deviate away from my resolutions.

Recently, I met with few inexplicable dilemmas..u know those kinda life-changing decisions. Yeah, i think i am exaggerating, but somehow these dillemmas reminds me of the poem ‘the road not taken’ by robert frost, which came out for my SPM trial exams. haha.

2 and more months to go,I will be MO, if only i cruised smoothly my current posting, paeds. Touch-wood, hopefully it gonna be a smooth sailing one. While I am interested in surgery, a rocky, thorny, sticky but a rewarding profession i would say..something is just there to halt it. Well, I keep telling myself ” this is life mah..if ppl say sky’s the limit, then y is  there footprints on the moon?”…comforting rite? hopefully it is. Adding to that, i always  rmr wat my Dato K, a prominent megasurgeon said ‘I go all the way out everything for surgery, nothing can stop me’ a very inspiring surgeon to me..

My Perak JKN had came out with the new rules for all HOs to be send out to district, i dunno why, but somehow JKN ppl tot that Taiping is a megapolitan city with subspecialty in which Taiping is not a district, funnie rite? Here’s the catch, Ipoh HOs will all be send out going to Taiping, Teluk Intan, Manjung(places with specialist) whichever the individuals wanted mostly i would say. But i see taiping are all being sent out to even smaller town like tapah, gerik, parit buntar.. which i don see the point at all. Anyway, forget bout that..I called up the JKN fellas that day, and i was told clearly that there’s no way that I can stay in Taiping, and keep telling me the 2 cents of opinion of going districts esp Parit Buntar, and Gerik only. I think if we put that person in charge as a 1Msia slogan spokeperson, prolly 1Msia would be more successful than today. But at the end of the conversation, I was actually given a choice to stay Taiping but Anesthesia for at least 2 years(which i think is adjustable)

Its not that i love to stay in Taiping loads for the fact that i got no one here, ultimately i would wanna to go to a other centre to learn more since my youth still allows me to do so. But Taiping, i think will be a good training for me especially in surgery. Surgery is the reason i would wanna stay here, hopefully I am damn rite. So now, i am really in dilemma whether to stay in Anesthesia, go district or perhaps applying back to KL/ Penang to start all over again. sigh sigh….

I shall telling this with a sigh,
Somewhere ages and ages hence,
Two roads diverge in a wood,
And i took the one less travelled by,
And that had made all the difference.”
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2011 My New Resolutions

And so, the world welcomes 2011, with new dreams and resolutions.
While i felt lucky to have just celebrate my silver jubilee as an earthling recently, I think things around me had changed and I’ve changed dramatically as well. Looking back..Man, 2010 had been quite a journey though it was really a short one.
I consider myself lucky and grateful, as most of the resolutions for 2010 had been realised, though only a couple of them which i can recall.
First, of course i manage to get myself a steady job and income. Though most of my time in 2010 i’d spent during my job, i guess things are getting better as i progressed towards the end of my housemanship this year; which i am looking forward!
Second, i manage to get a new car. Not my dream car yet, but at least it’s my top favourite which is within my grasp of cash.
Third, i manage to also get myself my new brand DSLR which i’ve dream for since my Uni days. Canon 550D with 185mm lens! Not bad for an amatuer though, to start with.
Fourth, of course i manage to have my beloved onesss around me always to support me for what i am doing everyday.

For 2011, with a new year, comes more new resolutionsss;

1. I wanna have more TIME for myself – utilizing my new camera, more time studying, travelling.
2. I wanna have more good control of my temper – for 2010 had really moulded me to be a grumpy person, i think gotta be myself back this new year. Perhaps enrolling myself to some anger management tutorials?
3. I wanna pass Part A MRCS – i think i can’t be just saying ‘hope’ to pass, instead ‘wanna’ is the word. At least something to drive myself updated with the knowledge.
4. I wanna travel overseas, and have a really wonderful trip – i guess its time for me to get myself outta here awhile to have a break. Its time isnt’t it… probably Europe?
5. I wanna save more money – for 2010 being too excited for first year getting paid and salary, those hard-earned money are nowhere today. Neither in my pocket, and my bank acc. It can’t be vapourized rite. At least, more money for my some minute investments which i’ve eyed for.
6. I wanna learn piano – 26 years old to start piano sounds like 84 years old partying in Zouk, but I dun wanna look back 30 yrs later again n say, hey, i should had started that. Never too late, hehe.

I think i better keep it at 5 first, before dwelling into more. Let’s hope things goes well and smooth for this whole new year, as well as u peeps.

HAPPIE NEW YEAR 2011 =)

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Undying love

This post is a tribute specially for one of the few ppl who really loves me, unconditionally. He is my paternal grandpa, and he left us on Sept 11 2010, 0310 hrs – peacefully. It takes me awhile to blog this down, as things are stil very much vivid in my memories, hard enuf for me to let go.

I knew him probably when my strangers anxiety strikes in, around 9-12 months maybe. He was a super-dad to me at that time. Reason why, coz i used to compare him to my dad in terms of height,  voice, and even strength. Obviously, he’s more superior in those terms than my dad. I knew him amply enuf , after been through thick n thin together for 25 yrs. Yes, as long as my elder brother was brought up, he’s been staying wit us travelling around leading a nomadic life, when he cud hav been actually living in Penang island where deep inside his heart i know, is stil his home, our home..It’s his love to us that he chose to live with us travelling to various places where we once lived in.

He first stepped on Penang island at the age of 10, when first came to Penang island together with his father after those tough times back in China. He managed to get formal education til standard 6, tat’s when Japanese took over our country. I rmr always he used to tell me how things goes very very bad during the Japanese colonisation, and how much it affect his penang chinese community. Being a young boy me, of course those doesnt matter to me at all. All i always look forward are those sweets , chewing gums, gameboy where he cud spent really much with his limited $$ on 3 of us. Yet, it was always not enuf for me.

Being the most mischievious boy in the family, those strokes from ‘rotan’/ unbrella/ sticks were once also stinged on his skin as well,when trying to stop the repetitive action which ached his heart. Only then, when he bathed me to realise all the markings on my skin, were also on his skin as well when he was young. Being the bygoner, then i knew he changed his mind that i deserves those beatings for being such a devil boy. Watching me growing up from those beatings, prolly he thinks that those beatings that makes me a ‘lokter’ today.

During my primary schooling days, i rmr how much effort he pedaled me to school and back by his bicycle. Of course i enjoy that more compared to sitting in the car. Once awhile, he wud spent few pennies for icecream, on the way back, when i told me i kena again from my teacher. I never really carried my school bags, wash my plates, my shoes back in when i was in primary school. All thanks to him. This of course got my mom mad, for being so pampered in the house. Things never really got undone in the house, as he’s those that kinda OCD fella, rushing for everything to clean this and that. Its when his way and his in-law’s way clashes that sparks those arguments everytime. Who is me to care for those, and of course my dad always came in, half heartedly to solve it.

As i grew mature, as i learn the ways of taking care of ppl, i tried to apply on him, but of course to no prevail. Being a hot-headed chinaman, he never needs any care from ppl. Only role that he plays always on us as a Giver. But being too much as a Giver, its hard sometimes. Then only i found out that old man can be hard sometimes, then only to realise how much patience to deal with old ppl.

Not to boast around, i knew he is always very proud of me and my siblings, being from academically, and outdoor achievements. He may not know how many As i’ve scored, but he always knew that we were there to present each time during ‘Hari Anugerah Kecemerlangan’, He knew the day i got ‘anugerah’ from DYMM, He knew the day i came back with black belt, and medals from tourneys. All these are being spread to his relatives and children back to Penang, and even all our neighbours. Ppl may think he likes to boast, but i think he is really god darn proud of me n my siblings.The day when i finally graduate from my studies, he was all smiles, all day long. In fact i rmr, my mom was telling me he’s there ready with his attire as early as 8am when my convocation is in the afternoon. To see his grandson graduated as a doctor, mus be something too dubious to believe, judging from the way he saw me growing up.

As i got my offer to be posted to Taiping, he knew that i’ll be away for sometime.For the past 1 year i’ve worked, nothing really come as priority as compared to my work. Perhaps, it is my naive foolish thought that i’ve seconded down my family in my priority list that i neglected him. After i left, my younger brother also left to UK, and there’s no one else at home as both my parents stil in China. It was a big impact for him.

Lately 2 months before his death, i noticed that he called me more frequent than before. Asked bout my being, and things at work. Well, of course i never lamented to him, as how he never did that for 25 yrs i knew him. Then, i knew something wrong for the first time when he told me, he is sick, in a very delicate tone. N straight i called my parents who happened to be in KL to find out wat’s wrong wit him in Penang. That same day my parents reached Penang,and only to found out that they brought my grandpa to hospital. Something is really really bad going on i knew. Its then when my dad forwarded me the Ultrasound scan and Ct abdomen scan, I was really petrified. Mixed of guilt as well as scared just rushed in. For a moment, how i wish it is somehow fake.

It took me 1 week, to be able to go back to Penang after the scan as i was really really busy with my medical posting. Through daily conversation with my parents via phone, i knew time is running fast. I finally had a short weekend break, and to go back to see him. The first glimpse at him, i won’t be seeing the same man again. The malignant cells is killing him day by day, and i can see this previous fit as a fiddle man, can even to stand up. He is mumbling to himself occasionally, partially hallucinated by Morphine to ease his pain which is killing him even faster. But, he knew my presence. I can remember vividly how he tried to wake up and tried to take a good glance again at me as he used to each time i went back. Its really heart-wrenching to see him this way. I didn really want to look at him, as i knew i myself sure cannot take it. The same day, i took him to hospital by ambulance as i can see he’s really dehydrated.

I left back to Taiping after the next day to see him again in hospital. I was in tears the whole journey back to Taiping, and each time i thought of seeing him that way. I myself didn’t really look at him, as i knew i sure cannot take it. I kept in touch wit my mother who then nursed him everyday until the day he left us. It took only 4 weeks from the time he had complaint of abdominal pain, point of diagnosis to the day he left..only a mere 4 weeks. 4 weeks is really, really very short for a man like him to progress. That night, i was still on-call when i received that solemn call from my mother. I didn have a chance to be with him at the last breath. I felt really guilty, for so many reasons..

Perhaps you left us too fast. It was just like yesterday when i saw you happily rushed out to the gate to welcome me and helped to carry my bags. But now no more…

I am not sure how have you been doing on the other side, perhaps u mus be happier together with grandma, and not to be disappointed by me who didn really look after u and appreciate u well enuf when u are around. I always wished until today that i’ll be able to dream of u each night before i sleep, but u never appears. If only u’re around again, how i wish i will be able to hug u for once to say thanks for everything u made me for past 25 yrs, and apologize for all my mistakes that i hurt u before.

Life has too many unexpected twists and turns, and ur departure is one of the biggest in my life.

I miss u dearly, grandpa. Please take care…

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1st Year Housemanship

Tmr will mark my first year of housemanship exactly. =)

In a glimpse, yesteryear was just like yesterday. Hurdled through 3 worst postings in Taiping, i felt happie that its over. 3 more to go. On top of it, i felt happie too that i am able to make a change to my patient’s life whether back to cradle or grave.

1 year of working, and suffering definitely had made me a changed person.

Maybe becoz of the workload and stress, there’s less time for me be happie, and it seems that life can’t work without stress. And when there’s stress, there’s no time to be happie..Cut it short, i’m just less happie than before. Perhaps becoz of the workline i am dealing with, human is my main subject. I began to understand more about human nature – the ugly side of it. Not becoz i dun wanna look at the pleasant side of it, but it’s really too few to mention.

Within this 1 year, if i ever granted a wish for a change, i would really ask for a change for KKM trained staff nurses which i think currently at stake. Severely at stake. *sigh*

I keep reminding myself always the reason i chose this line whenever hope’s at the bottom feet of mine(most of the time), and it works. N i hope it stil works for maybe the next 30 yrs i am working. I knew there’s still mountains of hurdles, seas of new things for me to learn, waiting for me to discover or rediscover. At the end of the day, it makes me realise how fast our life can be to meet all ends’ day. A wise man once quoted, “Come what may,and the time cruises easily through the busiest time of all” I fully adhere to it =)

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